Love. The first command.

So, if you read my last blog post from Christmas break, you would have seen a girl that was scared — no terrified — to love.

Today, you will read a post of a heart that has been transformed and freed from the chains of fear.

I have learned how incredibly silly it is to try and protect your heart – to hide yourself from love – to take an interest only in your own heart…

And not only is it silly, when we refuse to love, we are rebelling against God.

Over and over again in scripture we see the command to “Love God and love your neighbor.” When we allow our hearts to get to a place that we are scared of love, we are denying ourselves the ability to become the very people God calls us to be.

For nearly an entire year I hid behind this label of the “scared and broken girl,” but really, it was all a mask. I was interested in protecting my OWN heart. Period. I had experienced enough of the broken-hearted stuff and I wasnt going to put myself in a position to get hurt again.

Thankfully, through much prayer, through Spencer’s pursuit and the transformation of my heart, I am free to love and free to give myself away once more.

My fire for ministry and for giving my life away is growing exponentially. I cannot wait to get back on mission and love those around me. At community group this week we talked a lot about recognizing that our lives are God’s story, not our story. Our lives are merely characters in God’s beautiful love story for the world. We are not the main characters… he simply writes us into his story of redemption. Jesus is the protagonist.

I’ve started to believe this. I’ve started to pray that my life begins to reflect this truth. Yesterday, I attended my first (of hopefully many) Christian Community Development Conferences (http://ccda.org/about)… it was incredible to be in a room full of people that believed they were simply God’s servants. They lived by the greatest commands to love god and love people…and the way the Lord used them was nothing short of inspiring. I read a quote that I havent been able to get out of my mind, “The possibilities of real transformation in our nation are endless for those who realize that they are stewards and not owners of their life.”

Wow.

My prayer today is no longer that my heart may be hidden from pain, but that I, like Jesus, can be incarnational in my walk with the world – that I may boldly enter in to the world – to love, to serve and to care for those around me.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” – Matt 22: 36-40

self-protection.

So, I will admit it…I am scared to love. 

Not just a little bit, but truly terrified. 

And not loving in a way that is like, “Oh man, that person is cool, I am going to ‘love them.’” But loving in a way that Christ loved us. Loving in a way that we are called to love one another. 

Its not this fairytale perfection that I thought. 

Christ shows us how to love in a different way. In a radical way. In a true way. 

I have been reading a lot of commentary on love, and what it actually means… and its been in perfect correspondence to the Christmas season. To love someone is to enter in to their lives, to their joys and to their sufferings. 

When the totality of God was wrapped up in a tiny infant, it was God’s promise that he would enter in to our sufferings — not that he would take them away, but that he would be with us in the midst of the pain. 

Emmanuel — God with us. 

In the New Testament we see God’s heart through Jesus. Several times in the gospels, we see God’s compassion for us. As Henri Nouwen writes, Jesus’ compassion is explained with the Greek word, splangchnizomai, which means a deep and powerful expression. “The splangchna are the entrails of the body, or as we might say today, the guts. They are the place where our most intimate and intese emotions are located…when Jesus was moved to compassion, the source of all life trembled, the ground of all love burst open, and the abyss of God’s immense, inexhaustible and unfathomable tenderness revealed itself.” (Compassion, 14-15). 

…and ‘love God and love your neighbor’ are the two highest commands? Right…

Ha, to love like that is hard. Its messy. 

And there is most definitely pain involved. 

Yikes. 

I feel like there was a point in my life where I did love like that. With my entire mind, body and soul I existed to give my life away. And then I got hurt. And then I stopped. I was tired of the pain.

Now, I am tired of not feeling with such depth. And I am definitely tired of fear. 

I read a wonderful quote by CS Lewis’s The Four Loves that explains the mentality I allowed myself to live in for the past year or so, and I am praying that God draws me out of this place so that I can love once more:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to keep it in tact, you must give your heart to no one…wrap it up carefully, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the coffin or casket of selfishness…but it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.” 

Wow.

That one spoke a bit…

In writing all of this I guess I am just realizing that life isnt safe. God doesnt promise that we will be protected, or that we will have a perfect little life. He doesnt promise wealth and he doesnt promise a life without pain…his son was beaten and crucified. The early church was martyred. Why do I think I can protect myself from pain? Its such a lie. If anything, it will keep me from feeling at all. 

God is slowly drawing my heart back into his light. I have tried to hide my heart in hopes that it would be ‘safe’ and ‘protected.’ But Psalms promises that GOD is our refuge. We lack no good thing in Him. 

Jesus entered in to our mess so that we can have the courage to enter in with others, through his great love.

Christmas brings us hope. Christ came to earth. He entered in. We dont have to fear any longer. He is with us. 

We dont have to protect ourselves — its a facade. We’re called to love, fully. There will be heartache, but Chist will be present in the pain. 

surrender.

I surrender to you.

I return to you.

I no longer merely gaze at your radiance.

I enter in to your radiance.

I am embraced by you.

I am forgiven by you.

I am accepted by you.

I am loved by you.

You know me.

You created me.

You guide me.

You are Lord.

I return to you.

I surrender.

unfolding.

God invites you into his beauty.

He calls you by name…are you listening?

The world, its grandeur; joy, laughter; nature, it beckons. All speaking as an invitation. An invitation into the most beautiful life. Something greater than you could ever imagine.

Are you listening?

Are you willing to enter in?

If you decide to enter in, you begin to see the infinite nature and goodness of God. As a new Christian, you accept that God is infinite and you are finite, but the more you enter in — the bigger and more intimate God becomes…its rather amazing. I have read several quotes in the past few weeks that continue to invite me in to God’s goodness…and I pray as you read these quotes they will do the same for you. With every word you read I pray that God will draw you deeper and deeper into his majesty, and that you may be swept off your feet as I have been, and that you will be allured by the beauty and bounty of Him.

“Every time you listen with great attentiveness to the voice that calls you the Beloved, you will discover within yourself a desire to hear that voice longer and more deeply. It is like discovering a well in the desert. Once you have touched wet ground, you want to dig deeper.

“I have been doing a lot of digging lately and I know that I am just beginning to see a little stream bubbling up through the dry sand. I have to keep digging because that little stream comes from a huge reservoir beneath the desert of my life. The word ‘digging’ might not be the best word, since it suggests hard and painful work that finally leads me to the place where I can quench my thirst. Perhaps all we need to do is remove the sand that covers the well. There may be quite a pile of dry sand in our lives, but the One who so desires to quench our thirst will help us to remove it. All we really need is a great desire to find the water and drink from it.

“…I do feel a certain impatience toward you because I dont want you to waste too much of your time…Therefore, I want to assure you already, now, that you do not have to get caught in searches that lead only to entanglement. Neither do you have to become to victim of a manipulative world or get trapped in any kind of addition. You can choose to reach out now to true inner freedom and find it ever more fully.”  - Life of the Beloved, Henri Nouwen

Whatever is keeping you from this well of life – remove it. Ask God to take it away so that you can find water that will quench your thirst. Drink. Take a sip. Dip in your toes…and then allow yourself to be totally saturated by his presence.

This next quote is from The Last Battle, by C.S. Lewis…and I think it perfectly describes what I have been learning about God recently…his grandeur is humbling:

“‘The further up and further in you go, the bigger everything gets. The inside is larger than the outside!’ Lucy looked hard at the garden and saw that it was not really a garden at all, but a whole world, with its own rivers and woods and sea and mountains. But they were not strange: she knew them all. ‘I see,’ she said, ‘this is still Narnia, and a more real and more beautiful Narnia than down below…I see…world within world, Narnia within Narnia.’

“‘Yes,’ said Mr. Tumnus, ‘Like an onion: except that as you continue to go in and in, each circle is larger than the last.”

Man. Is that not awesome?! We take a step in to peer at God and we are amazed at his beauty…but then we take another step and we realize he is even more beautiful and worthy than before. With each step as we enter in to his goodness…we realize he is even more majestical than before. Its an amazing phenomenon.

My prayer with this quote is that you find your inner child and begin exploring. Explore your Creator. Find him, search for him. He is inviting you in.

I have begun a new journey in my life where slowly I am beginning to peel back the layers of God. And just as Henri Nouwen and Lucy found, God continues to become deeper and more beautiful than ever before.

Unfold the mysteries and complexities of God — do not be fearful of them, but may they bring you to a place of worship.

 

in awe.

I am utterly in awe of Jesus.

The only word I can truly use to describe my life right now is insatiable — I have such a hunger for more. More love. More depth. More community. More resurrection power. More freedom. More.

And what I am realizing is that the more that I ask God to show me the fullness of this life, the more he does. The more life and freedom and love I experience, and it is shockingly beautiful.

If you are reading this blog, it may mean that you have read previous posts in which you see me agonizing over the pain of my heart. My heart has felt a desire for freedom, my heart has known that this freedom was available…but for some reason, freedom and joy were unattainable. There was a disconnect, my heart had no idea what it looked like to live in freedom…

Today, I stand before the whole world to proclaim the goodness of Jesus — I stand here today to proclaim his power and his love and his ability to heal.

When I was a sophomore in college, I was more broken than ever before, and yet almost entirely satisfied. The relationships found in the sweet Bedford house were the most real, intimate relationships I had ever been a part of. Every day, we made space for each other to share our hearts, to point one another to God, and to study scripture together. These girls took me under their wings to care for me in a time of deep darkness…their hearts to love me, even when there were times I could not love them back, was humbling. I experienced God more than ever before.

I recently realized that I havent experienced God in this way since I moved out of that house. Life got too busy. The lies of the enemy got too loud. I stopped making time to share my heart, I stopped being intentional. I no longer lived in the transparency and vulnerability of the Bedford house, but I lived in fear — in shame — in isolation. And that is just where the enemy wants us. I would hang out with people, but I wasnt present. I wasnt able to care for their hearts and the walls around my own heart were so thick around I lost the ability to hear what my heart was crying out for — life, love, freedom. These things can only be found if we take the risk to enter in to the depths of our heart.

I took the risk. I turned from my lies. I renounced the lie of self protection and isolation. And my heart was set free.

He has given me the strength to step out on a limb, to trust, to be vulnerable. He has given me the strength to fall in love again. To be rescued by his goodness. Our hearts were created for this intimacy…yet we hide from it…we prefer the darkness. But oh, what a good God, that he rescues us from our tower of isolation. I truly do not believe this power of freedom is possible outside of relationships, for we are created in the image of the triune God, who lives in perfect relationship in and of himself.

The girls in the Bedford house and my community group first began to show me the power of relationships, but I eventually got scared and went back to living in darkness….until God brought Spencer into my life…God used Spencer’s pursuit to draw me back into his beautiful light.

Spencer has challenged me to live in the light and the power of Christ. He has reminded me once more that there is POWER in relationships, for they can be such a beautiful reflection of God’s love and God’s pursuit.

After a long year of wrestling with healing, I am finally living in the freedom of Christ, I am on fire. I have been healed and set free — nothing is holding me back from telling the world about Jesus — for he is SO good.

I guess the whole point of all this rambling is that God moves, but we have to believe that he can and that he will. We have to turn away from the lies that keep our hearts in bondage and wait for God to rescue us from our oppression.

For nearly twenty – two years I lived in bondage…knowing God created a whole world for us to enjoy and soak in, but I never had the guts to break away and explore…the limits my life knew were so much more comfortable, it was safe.

But OH what we miss out on when we choose to live in this so-to-speak ‘safe’ barrier. Break through this facade! We all want deep, intimate lives. We all want deep, intimate relationships, but often we’re too scared to break out and experience it.

Well guess what, Jesus died to bring us LIFE to the full. He came, died and rose again to show us there is VICTORY through Jesus. Nothing is holding us back. When Lazarus died, Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” (John 11:41-44)

Take off your grave clothes. You are ALIVE in Christ. Break free. Tell the world how good he is.

Nothing is holding you back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvJ9BFR55ck

Access

Wow, I havent written anything in forever…my heart for about the past year has been at a place where it wasnt fully alive…wasnt fully trusting…wasnt fully free. My heart grew thorns around it that didnt allow for me to love or be loved. I said a few years back that I felt such a deep, beautiful joy – something richer than I had ever felt before – but at the same time, it opened my heart up to the same depth of pain. I spent so many months in deep sorrow that I believe I talked my heart into not feeling anything – so long as I could get rid of the pain…but in creating these self-protective barriers to my heart, I disabled myself from the rich joy I once had.

Now, Jesus is fighting for my heart. I literately feel the tug in my heart that he is breaking away my chains that I might feel again. These barriers around my heart didnt just disable me to feel, they disabled me from really caring about the people I love. Friendships that were such beautiful wells of joy have dried to become a normal friendship as the level of vulnerability and trust slowly disappeared.

My fiery passion for ministry became an obligation and a burden…my eyes to see the light of Christ were dimmed by darkness. Its scary how fast the thorns grew in and around my heart. I recently took beautiful girls to Windy Gap and we saw a play called “The Broken Heart.” It was about a girl who took forms of ‘protection’ from Satan – nails of fear, anger and sex; thorns of bitterness; a hardened heart – but the play was also about her redemption and restoration as the Lord constantly pursued her, called her by name, held her heart, and restored her to wholeness.

This play struck a chord in my heart. I was that little girl who listened to the lies instead of walking in the truth. My heart was pierced over and over again by pain and I covered it by layers of hardness. I protected my heart with thorn bushes so that no one would want to reach in…but God did – and still is. He is healing my heart, he’s breaking away the branches, and healing the wounds.

I think this is the most fascinating and beautiful thing about Jesus. The gospel doesn’t stop with the fact that salvation is found through Christ’s mercy and grace…yes, we receive an eternal life of perfection…but what is even more beautiful is the fact that Jesus doesn’t leave us stranded in the brokeness of this world. He reaches in, he walks along side and the perfecting begins here, now. Jesus doesnt leave us alone to deal with our mess…he redeems, but he also restores.

After months of keeping everyone away from my heart, its been terrifying to let God in and to let others in, but I know that this willing allowance of vulnerability is the first step to healing and freedom.

Healing never comes against our will…He knocks through many things, waiting for us to give him permission to enter in. Give him permission. Give him ACCESS to your broken heart. Ask him to come to these places.

I do invite you in. Come to my heart in these shattered places. Come to me, my Savior. I open the door of my heart. I give you permission to heal my wounds. Come to me here. Come for me here. 

Captivating, pg 100

Humbled.

Im beginning to realize that there is so much power in bringing darkness into the light. Over the past several weeks we’ve been learning about the roles of the Church and the roles of spiritual leaders. Since I was young I’ve been told I was a leader and always found myself in such roles…but what I am learning is that gospel leadership is radically different than worldly leadership.

I’ve been humbled over and over again by the Word, through conversations, through reading. I’ve been reading Chamber’s book Spiritual Leadership and he wrote that true leadership is marked by spirituality. All of 2010 I was trying to figure out how to lead but in the process I forgot how to pray. I forgot how to be led by God because I was trying so hard to lead others…instead of allowing him to lead through me.

God has been convicting me every day to PRAY, to let him be the ultimate leader, to let him be LORD over my life. Instead of letting discernment guide my life, I was allowing my own self interest to be the ‘light unto my path.’ Instead of having the Word transform my heart I was trying to read random books or articles on what leadership was. I forgot how to serve, yet Christ the ultimate leader “came to serve and give his life as a ransom for many.” I’ve been getting it all wrong.

I recently read a quote that said, “I wish I had prayed more…even if it meant I worked less, I wish I had prayed more.” I want this to be my mantra. When this life is about growing in the Lord why is it that we seek him out last? I’ve been praying like crazy that God begins to teach me what prayer even looks like because I dont think I have a solid grasp of what it is and what it can do.

I guess the purpose of writing this blog is just to confess how upside down all of my thinking has been throughout the past year. Im learning in the midst of being humbled to pray, that confession and repentance are a critical aspect of spiritual growth. Last summer and last semester I was so blinded by my own self guidance I was unable to even notice I was living in sin and trying to be god of my own life. Its painfully humbling to write this and yet at the same time incredibly liberating.

Facing that darkness within me. Dealing with it. Exposing it…there is so much freedom in bringing the darkness to our lips. It then no longer lives within us. It no longer has control to feed us lies. And it frees us to seek out truth. I dont really know how to describe it except for the fact that confessing how silly and self reliant I have been makes me feel instantly more alive in the spirit.

I feel like the Lord is calling me to a life of ministry, a life of leadership for his Church and yet I know so little about what it means to really live a life of spiritual leadership. 1 Timothy 3 says that a leader in the church must be above reproach, other scripture says that as a woman of God I should be presented before the Lord as pure, holy and blameless…and yet there such a desperate need of refining in my life. There is so much room for holiness and spirituality to grow…I love the Lord with my whole heart but he’s pushing me to give him my life in a new way.

He’s creating in me a clean heart. A heart that beats for him alone.

 

beloved.

Whether real or imagined, I grew up with the belief that I was loved depending on my performance, my success, and my image. This has led me to live most of my life with a quest for perfection and a need for constant affirmation. I dont know that I will ever be able to explain it, but I think much of who I am was built upon the quest to be loved.

However, over this break I’ve realized that not only am I loved by a perfect God, but that he delights in me even when I fail miserably. He loves me without me trying to earn it. I dont have to do anything to prove myself to him…its honestly perplexing. Its like nothing I’ve experienced before.

I think I am finally starting to scratch the surface of understanding unconditional love.

I’m chosen. I’m loved. What?! It’s crazy!

Oh my God, you bring me such joy. Such liberation! I could just dance…this is the best feeling.

So much of my life I have spent trying, straining, stretching myself. Desperately doing anything for people to notice me and acknowledge me. I’ve been searching for love and the craziest thing is that He’s been there the whole time. He’s loved me before I was even in existence. How silly of me to think that I had to try so hard…that I had to search so long…

His hand has been extended to me from the beginning of time.

Something crazy happened in my heart over the past few weeks where I’m realizing that I am utterly loved. Im finally able to delight in the fact that I am Christ’s beloved. I’m sitting in my Abba’s lap, smiling and rejoicing over his grace. What deep, deep grace.

My new year’s resolution is to live out my new identity as beloved, and to shine for Him.

“God is asking me, the unworthy, to forget my unworthiness and that of my brothers, and dare to advance in the love which has redeemed and renewed us all in God’s likeness. And to laugh, after all, at the preposterous ideas of ‘worthiness’…pray for a deepening of this love, yes, savor the present moment where God is…

Define yourself as one radically beloved by God. God’s love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that and let it become the most important thing in your life.” – Abba’s Child, pgs 50-51 — Brennan Manning

paradox.

Throughout the season of Advent, I have been reflecting on the longing of the Jewish nation. For generations upon generations the people cried out for a messiah. A liberator.  A king. His birth was prophesied for centuries by the great Isaiah. God’s promise of redemption and freedom and love was told for ages. The Israelites knew of this coming king, they knew and believed of God’s love…but no one could have ever made up such a love story as this:

Our mighty God became a vulnerable infant.

The word became flesh.

The image of the invisible God was made known.

The covenant of love was fulfilled.

Hope is restored through Jesus, through his long foretold birth.

The paradox of Christ, of Christmas in general, has been making my heart want to burst into song- how beautiful is our Lord?! He left his inexplicable glory to be born in a manger, that we might have life to the full.

• Kings are served, yet he came to serve us.
• Kings are respected, yet he was hated and killed.
• Kings are wealthy, yet he lived a life of homelessness…all for you, all for me.

Just picture Mary, holding her sweet baby, knowing he is the King of Kings. Knowing he is the messiah. Knowing he is the one her people pleaded for. Majestic. Purely majestic.

He is the long expected savior that came in to dwell among us. Through his birth, death and resurrection we have access to the Father.

He’s beautiful. He’s humble. He’s pure. He’s perfect.

Through his death we have life.

His perfect life was the sacrifice for my sin.

He traded everything and all we have to do is believe.

Its such a crazy paradox, I cant even put words to it. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s love. Pure love.

That’s my king. That’s the reason for Christmas.

Come thou long expected Jesus!

Come, thou long-expected Jesus,
born to set thy people free;
from our fears and sins release us,
let us find our rest in thee.

Israel’s strength and consolation,
hope of all the earth thou art:
dear desire of every nation,
joy of every longing heart.

Born thy people to deliver,
born a child, and yet a king,
born to reign in us for ever,
now thy gracious kingdom bring.

By thine own eternal Spirit
rule in all our hearts alone;
by thine all-sufficient merit
raise us to thy glorious throne.

love.

Love.

Its what this life is about. Its where joy is found.

But its scary.

Scripture clearly defines what love is in 1 Corinthians 13 and Romans 12:

Love is patience and kindness. It isn’t prideful, it is not self-seeking, it isn’t easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love rejoices in the truth. It always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres.

Love is sincerity, devotion, honoring others above yourself, serving the Lord. Love is joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

Essentially, love is total vulnerability.  Its total sacrifice…just look at the Cross. It denies the self and awakens to the joy of serving others above yourself. Love serves, expecting nothing in return. To truly love is constantly bowing away from personal desires in order to lift others up. Phew. That’s intense.

When I look at this definition of love, I am embarrassed to say I have only loved like this for one person. I cared so deeply that I would sacrifice anything to lift the other person up. It was in those months that I experienced more joy than words can articulate.  Yet, it was through this relationship that I also experienced more pain than I could ever imagine. I’m beginning to realize, however, that is the cost of love. True love will allow you to experience a richness in life many people will never find, but it also leaves you vulnerable to pain.

Since that relationship ended, I realized I have been terrified to love again. Not just in a romantic way, but through friendships, ministry, my family, etc. For the past year and a half I’ve hesitated from serving anyone in the ways that I used to, I’ve hesitated sacrificing anything for other people…I didn’t want to put myself out there just to receive unrequited love again. I lost hope in people, putting a gate around my heart – letting people in a little bit- but they weren’t going to get close enough to hurt me. And I certainly wasn’t going to get too close to them, either. I’d been hurt enough. I was tired of giving, tired of serving, tired of putting other people above myself. I didn’t want to risk the pain.

However, for the past year and a half, I haven’t experienced joy in the same ways that I once remembered.

The main commandment of Jesus was to love. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself. Sacrifice and serve the Lord and his children with all your hearth, strength and mind.

This is the call of a disciple. Follow Christ’s footsteps and LOVE through service and sacrifice.

My broken heart had a cast around it – a hard cast that kept me from enjoying the fullness of life. I’m tired of the cast. I want to love again. Yeah- it means I could totally get screwed over…whether its by complete strangers, my friends, another relationship…but you know what? There’s nothing better in this life than loving other people well.

I can’t let my fear of pain keep me from experiencing that again. I spent so much time this year scrutinizing over other’s lives, noticing a lack of service and sacrifice and it hardened me. I leeched on to negativity instead of being the salt and light of the world that we are called to be. When I loved people well, it didn’t matter if service was requited or if anyone else sacrificed for me…that wasn’t what love was about. Love is selflessness. Yet, when my hardened heart kept me from loving I was continuously frustrated  when nice things weren’t reciprocated.

True love, however, loves even when it isn’t returned. It’s consistent when nothing else in the world is. Love is constant. Its unconditional. I want to find it again. Love leaves you vulnerable to pain, but it awakens your heart to a joy that its undeniably wonderful.

But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

-david crowder, wholly yours

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

-gungor, beautiful things