Wow, I havent written anything in forever…my heart for about the past year has been at a place where it wasnt fully alive…wasnt fully trusting…wasnt fully free. My heart grew thorns around it that didnt allow for me to love or be loved. I said a few years back that I felt such a deep, beautiful joy – something richer than I had ever felt before – but at the same time, it opened my heart up to the same depth of pain. I spent so many months in deep sorrow that I believe I talked my heart into not feeling anything – so long as I could get rid of the pain…but in creating these self-protective barriers to my heart, I disabled myself from the rich joy I once had.
Now, Jesus is fighting for my heart. I literately feel the tug in my heart that he is breaking away my chains that I might feel again. These barriers around my heart didnt just disable me to feel, they disabled me from really caring about the people I love. Friendships that were such beautiful wells of joy have dried to become a normal friendship as the level of vulnerability and trust slowly disappeared.
My fiery passion for ministry became an obligation and a burden…my eyes to see the light of Christ were dimmed by darkness. Its scary how fast the thorns grew in and around my heart. I recently took beautiful girls to Windy Gap and we saw a play called “The Broken Heart.” It was about a girl who took forms of ‘protection’ from Satan – nails of fear, anger and sex; thorns of bitterness; a hardened heart – but the play was also about her redemption and restoration as the Lord constantly pursued her, called her by name, held her heart, and restored her to wholeness.
This play struck a chord in my heart. I was that little girl who listened to the lies instead of walking in the truth. My heart was pierced over and over again by pain and I covered it by layers of hardness. I protected my heart with thorn bushes so that no one would want to reach in…but God did – and still is. He is healing my heart, he’s breaking away the branches, and healing the wounds.
I think this is the most fascinating and beautiful thing about Jesus. The gospel doesn’t stop with the fact that salvation is found through Christ’s mercy and grace…yes, we receive an eternal life of perfection…but what is even more beautiful is the fact that Jesus doesn’t leave us stranded in the brokeness of this world. He reaches in, he walks along side and the perfecting begins here, now. Jesus doesnt leave us alone to deal with our mess…he redeems, but he also restores.
After months of keeping everyone away from my heart, its been terrifying to let God in and to let others in, but I know that this willing allowance of vulnerability is the first step to healing and freedom.
Healing never comes against our will…He knocks through many things, waiting for us to give him permission to enter in. Give him permission. Give him ACCESS to your broken heart. Ask him to come to these places.
I do invite you in. Come to my heart in these shattered places. Come to me, my Savior. I open the door of my heart. I give you permission to heal my wounds. Come to me here. Come for me here.
Captivating, pg 100
