I am utterly in awe of Jesus.
The only word I can truly use to describe my life right now is insatiable — I have such a hunger for more. More love. More depth. More community. More resurrection power. More freedom. More.
And what I am realizing is that the more that I ask God to show me the fullness of this life, the more he does. The more life and freedom and love I experience, and it is shockingly beautiful.
If you are reading this blog, it may mean that you have read previous posts in which you see me agonizing over the pain of my heart. My heart has felt a desire for freedom, my heart has known that this freedom was available…but for some reason, freedom and joy were unattainable. There was a disconnect, my heart had no idea what it looked like to live in freedom…
Today, I stand before the whole world to proclaim the goodness of Jesus — I stand here today to proclaim his power and his love and his ability to heal.
When I was a sophomore in college, I was more broken than ever before, and yet almost entirely satisfied. The relationships found in the sweet Bedford house were the most real, intimate relationships I had ever been a part of. Every day, we made space for each other to share our hearts, to point one another to God, and to study scripture together. These girls took me under their wings to care for me in a time of deep darkness…their hearts to love me, even when there were times I could not love them back, was humbling. I experienced God more than ever before.
I recently realized that I havent experienced God in this way since I moved out of that house. Life got too busy. The lies of the enemy got too loud. I stopped making time to share my heart, I stopped being intentional. I no longer lived in the transparency and vulnerability of the Bedford house, but I lived in fear — in shame — in isolation. And that is just where the enemy wants us. I would hang out with people, but I wasnt present. I wasnt able to care for their hearts and the walls around my own heart were so thick around I lost the ability to hear what my heart was crying out for — life, love, freedom. These things can only be found if we take the risk to enter in to the depths of our heart.
I took the risk. I turned from my lies. I renounced the lie of self protection and isolation. And my heart was set free.
He has given me the strength to step out on a limb, to trust, to be vulnerable. He has given me the strength to fall in love again. To be rescued by his goodness. Our hearts were created for this intimacy…yet we hide from it…we prefer the darkness. But oh, what a good God, that he rescues us from our tower of isolation. I truly do not believe this power of freedom is possible outside of relationships, for we are created in the image of the triune God, who lives in perfect relationship in and of himself.
The girls in the Bedford house and my community group first began to show me the power of relationships, but I eventually got scared and went back to living in darkness….until God brought Spencer into my life…God used Spencer’s pursuit to draw me back into his beautiful light.
Spencer has challenged me to live in the light and the power of Christ. He has reminded me once more that there is POWER in relationships, for they can be such a beautiful reflection of God’s love and God’s pursuit.
After a long year of wrestling with healing, I am finally living in the freedom of Christ, I am on fire. I have been healed and set free — nothing is holding me back from telling the world about Jesus — for he is SO good.
I guess the whole point of all this rambling is that God moves, but we have to believe that he can and that he will. We have to turn away from the lies that keep our hearts in bondage and wait for God to rescue us from our oppression.
For nearly twenty – two years I lived in bondage…knowing God created a whole world for us to enjoy and soak in, but I never had the guts to break away and explore…the limits my life knew were so much more comfortable, it was safe.
But OH what we miss out on when we choose to live in this so-to-speak ‘safe’ barrier. Break through this facade! We all want deep, intimate lives. We all want deep, intimate relationships, but often we’re too scared to break out and experience it.
Well guess what, Jesus died to bring us LIFE to the full. He came, died and rose again to show us there is VICTORY through Jesus. Nothing is holding us back. When Lazarus died, Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” (John 11:41-44)
Take off your grave clothes. You are ALIVE in Christ. Break free. Tell the world how good he is.
Nothing is holding you back.
